20 May 2013

The Breakup

I have some news. A regular character in this blog, aka The Boyfriend, will no longer be featuring here. That's right, The Boyfriend and I are no longer dating.  It's a long story...



This recent change in my life has been developing for some time, now. In fact, I suppose it all started when the Boyfriend became the Boyfriend (as he put it, when he asked me to "go steady" because he is charming like that). There we were, standing in the crowded Toronto airport: he dropping me off, me heading to Germany. He calm and collected, me crying. He standing still, me being ushered by a clerk towards security. When suddenly, amid the bustling crowds and blaring security announcements, he pulled me back from security, took something from his pocket, and got down on one knee.

"Nicole Marie Lyon," he asked me, his gesture suddenly halting the crowd of passersby to a curious stop. "Will you be my keychain buddy?"

The onlookers followed us with their confused gazes as the boyfriend and I enthusiastically began exchanging key rings with tears in our eyes. To the rest of the world, we were sharing keys. But to us, we were sharing our heart. On the keychain The Boyfriend gave me was a tiny prayer rope he had made some time ago, identical to the one he had on his own keys. He made it wanting to give it to someone special. He had told me a long time ago about the keychain, and I knew how much it meant for him to give it to me, so I barely noticed there was something else on the keyring.

"Do you see the key?" He asked. Looking back at my keys, I nodded. Indeed, there was a tiny key with a matte, red handle--the kind that might open up a suitcase or diary.

"That key leads somewhere very special, but you will only find out later," he told me. "Just don't lose it."

I nodded and looked back at the prayer rope and hugged him. And in a few moments, I was whisked into the security line, and in a number of hours, I stepped off the plane in Germany all alone.

And yet, not alone. For somewhere out there, I had a key chain buddy. 


 We even got roped into paying eighty Euro for a charcoal portrait of our two Franco-Hispanic look-alike cousins. 

As beautiful as the beginning as our relationship was, however, our life together has also had its share of reality. Over time, the distance in between us put a strain on things. It sifted us. It taught us. It made us think about what it was we loved--and didn't love--about one another. It made us wonder about our lives, our futures, and what it means to love someone. There was loneliness, there, and sadness sometimes. I remember all the nights falling asleep, and wondering how he was doing at work. I remember all the mornings, thinking about him on my way to work, while crossing the picturesque bridge called "Little Venice," whose love locks you may remember from an earlier post. I have always loved that bridge, since the first day I came here. It is one of those places one simply longs to have another person there to share it. I always thought about the boyfriend when I crossed it, wishing the bridge could cross over everything in between us. But, us girls. We never say the things we really think. And I never told the boyfriend how much I wanted to share that bridge with him. Until it was too late.




Standing in the center of Paris.

It's not that we had a bad time together here. In fact, our time in the eastern hemisphere started out thrilling enough--after all, we met in Paris. In our five days there, we more or less divided and conquered the subway and bike-rental system, we systematically tracked out the best quiche lorraine, the best boeuf bourgignon, the best comte cheese and beufort wine. We visited and made new friends at the Orthodox churches in the area. We studied the architecture, took lots of beautiful pictures, drank too much over-priced coffee, spent ample time inside Notre Dame and St. Germain des Pres (my favorite two cathedrals there), learned some French, and even got roped into paying eighty Euro for a charcoal portrait of our two Franco-Hispanic look-alike cousins. And in between all the big tourist attractions, we had our own share of memorable moments, ranging from the happy (a quiet spot we found on the Seine river to watch the boats go past) to the lesson-learning (the reality of two people making all their schedule, and food, choices together for a week), to the just plain maddening (one word: insect infestation. And hostel. Okay, that's four words.)

But by the end of the week, we could look back on a trip that had been both magical and, somehow, realistic. On the last day, after walking through the city and saying goodbye to our favorite places, we made one last trip to the Eiffel tower.

When we got to the observatory deck, The Boyfriend put his arms around me.

"This has been the best trip of my life," he whispered into my ear.


So it's not that we had a bad time together. But still, something was missing. I didn't know what, but something.


On the last day, after walking through the city and saying goodbye to our favorite places, we made one last trip to the Eiffel tower."This has been the best trip of my life," the Boyfriend whispered into my ear.
 


Back in Germany, it was back to life-as-half-normal for me, and life-as-vacation for the Boyfriend. Things started coming to a head when he saw the scavenger hunt I had put in the little gift basket on the guest bed. The envelop read "Everything you need for a totally awesome photo-scavenger hunt." Inside was a map of the historic inner city of Wolfenbuettel, and a list of ten clues for him to find while I was working during the day.  I'd thought about the list for weeks, but only wrote it down right before I left for Paris. I already had the tricky clues like "a street paved (partially) with gold"  and "a bird's eye view of wolfenbuettel that you can fit into one picture frame." (The former was referring to gold-plated cobblestones that Germany has erected across the country in front of homes that Holocaust victims lived in before they were deported, called "stumbling stones." The latter referred to a small miniature model of Wolenbuettel that sits around the corner from my house, but the boyfriend went all out and somehow found his way to the top tower of the highest church in town.) But after I wrote down the tricky clues, I only had 7 items to find and I knew that would not satisfy the Boyfriend, who loves finding things and being curious in new places. So I threw on a few easy ones, locations that were somehow special for me: 8.) "find your favorite building"; 9.) My favorite bridge with love locks; 10.) a horse.  After that, I threw it all in the envelope and promptly forgot about half the clues I'd put on there.

For several days, while the Boyfriend was working on the scavenger hunt, I had to listen to comments such as: "This is one of the most fun things anyone has ever done for me... The only complaint I have is that the clues are too easy," and "I hope you don't try to give me any more hints at where to find things, because I'm not an invalid." On  Wednesday night, we decided that the next day, the Boyfriend would meet me at work. We would then spend Thursday afternoon sampling Wurst (brats, sausage) and going through the clues.

"For each clue, I'll show you the picture, and you tell me if it's right or wrong. And then if it's wrong, you just take me to the right clue and we take the picture together, okay?"

"Perfect," I said.

As we went for a walk later that evening, we past Stober Strasse.

"Hey look," I turned to The Boyfriend. "That's the street I walk down for work in the morning. Want to see? There's something I want to show you there."

"Not really," The Boyfriend said in a rare tone of apathy, and pulled me in the other direction. "Is there a nice biergarten open?"

A heart sank as I stared down the cobblestoned alley. So much for showing him my bridge.

a list of ten clues for him to find while I was working during the day.

Thursday morning at breakfast, the boyfriend was a little quiet. I barely noticed because I was rushing around in my usual cyclone-esque way trying to get my things together for the archive.  At work, though, I kept wondering what had been bothering him. We'd been together 90% of the time for almost two weeks, maybe he was getting sick of me. Maybe he was happy when I went off to work during the day, maybe he needed some space. I felt funny inside, but didn't know why.

When he showed up at lunch, I began to pack my things up for the day.

"You look nice," I said in sort of an absent way, because I saw he was wearing my favorite shirt.

"Yeah," his face unexpectedly turned a rather violent shade of red. "Just... you know... There was no real reason. I guess, sometimes, it's nice to just... I don't know, freshen up, as it were. I guess."

His whole tone immediately struck my ears as strange and unfamiliar. I stared at him. What on earth was going on? A quick glance to his pants pockets did not reveal any sign of a quadratic-shaped jewelry box, so I knew he couldn't be thinking of popping the question.

"Sorry, I wasn't teasing you," I smiled. "You know I like that shirt."

"Yes," he answered. "I do know."

Anyway, we got out into the beautiful sunshine (for one in it's life, Germany decided to display normal spring weather.) After a few good Thuringer Wurst and mustard, we started in on the clues to the scavenger hunt.

As I perused the list, I realized I had forgotten about half of what I'd even put on there.
"Wow, I didn't know I put the horse and the bridge on there!" I commented. "Let's go to the bridge! Number 9!"

"Well, I was thinking. Let's go from easiest to hardest. Those ones were really hard for me," he said. "And I dont' know if I got them right. Can we start with the easy ones?"

And as he started showing me his pictures, I was amazed. One thing I can say in all honesty about the Boyfriend, no word of a lie, you put that man in charge of a scavenger hunt, and he will not disappoint. He did not just find the clues, he practically ate them for breakfast..  

The Boyfriend went all out and somehow found his way to the top of the highest church tower in town!

Finally we got to clue #9, the bridge. Since he had found all the hard clues, I was hopeful he'd finally found the bridge, perhaps he had even developed a special relationship with it in the meantime that we could appreciate together. After all, it was the only item on the list that really meant anything to me in a personal way. The bridge was the most special place in all of WfB to me.

"Well, I had some trouble with the bridge, like I said," The Boyfriend confessed. "I walked around for a really long time this morning trying to find it, because it was the last thing on my list. And all I could come up with was this."

He showed me a picture of a bus stop near the river, with a contemporary art statue in the background.

Once again, my heart sank.

"But that's not even a bridge," I commented. "And where are the love locks? I thought you said you weren't an invalid."

"Well, I don't even know what love locks are," he said and pointed to the so-called "art" in the picture. "I thought maybe that thing represented love, because I know you like art."

"No," I sighed. "That's not it. I guess I'll just have to show you myself."

"Yeah, I guess you will," he answered wryly.

And on we walked. Bridge-wards.


And all at once, my face started blushing uncontrollably. Maybe it was the fact we'd been standing there for five minutes, and the Boyfriend was still taking pictures. 

"I still don't get it," the Boyfriend commented. We were standing at the bridge. My hopes of him ever understanding how special this spot was to me had completely dissolved in the face of his unromantic cluelessness.

"Pumpkie, I'm sorry, why are there locks here? Can you explain it again?"

"I already have like three times!" I was trying to hide my exasperation. "When couples get engaged or married, they come here with a lock that has their names engraved on it. They lock it to the bridge and then throw the key into the water."

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because it's Symbolic!" I nearly shouted at him, fingering through the locks and looking at all the names and colors. "Because it's romantic! It's not that hard to comprehend."

"But why do people lock their wedding rings to the bridge, then?" He asked, showing me a lock on his side of the bridge that had a ring attached to it.

"I don't know," I said flippantly, flicking the emerald ring with my fingers. "Maybe their wife died or something. It's probably not real, anyway."

After a while, the boyfriend crossed the path, taking pictures of the bridge so he could officially complete his scavenger hunt.

I stared at the water, only then realizing how much I'd wanted the boyfriend to just understand the bridge was special, even if it seemed stupid. For whatever reason, every time I had crossed that bridge in the last year and seen those locks and flowers, I'd thought about him. I thought it was because of how beautiful it was, but only then did I realized the real reason. Maybe all along I'd just hoped that someday, somehow, we would have a lock to put on that bridge. But due to the Boyfriend's stubborn ignorance on the topic, that dream was proving to be just that: a dream.

I gave one last look at the locks. And all at once, my face started blushing uncontrollably. Maybe it was the fact we'd been standing there for five minutes, and the Boyfriend was still taking pictures. Maybe it was the words of my youngest brother and others, who had wondered casually whether the Boyfriend had really come to Europe just for a visit. Maybe it was the fact I knew that lock, the tiny one with the ring, was new and it made no sense why anyone would lock a ring to the bridge. Maybe it was the fact that this same ring matched the necklace The Boyfriend had sent me previously for our one-year anniversary.

But why would he be giving me a ring? Had I forgotten about some kind of milestone? What was going on? Was he trying to trick me? There was only one way to find out, and that was to test his resolve.


"Maybe their wife died or something. It's probably not real, anyway."

"Come on," I whined, walking over to him. "I'm starving. Can't we go get our sandwiches?"

"Yup I'm done. My scavenger hunt is officially finished!" he smiled triumphantly. Not the response I had expected from a man who should, by all accounts, be sweating bullets and freaking out by now.  Guess the ring wasn't mine. My heart didn't sink, though. It was already racing and rising and falling so many times per second that it was pretty much in a state of antigravitational free fall. When I recover my senses, I vowed, the boyfriend would hear about this. He would hear about how special the bridge was to me, how much I'd wanted to share a special moment there with him, how much...

"Can you take your keys? I need to put my camera in my pocket," he asked. At the last moment before clenching my hand around them, I saw he was holding them by the prayer rope. Or rather, not by the prayer rope. I did a double take. How on earth could I have forgotten?

"What does this mean?" I asked frantically, my hands shaking, as I stared at the red key.

"Well," he began. "Do you want to unlock the padlock and find out?"



It was not how I thought it would be, getting proposed to. I didn't cry (right away). I didn't scream. I didn't think about my answer (or answer at all). The boyfriend wasn't sweating or shaking. He didn't get down on one knee.

"When I asked you to be my girlfriend, I knelt," he told me. "But in our marriage, I want to start as equals. Neither of us stands above the other."

I didn't picture a perfect future, either. I knew in his eyes he was afraid, and I knew in my heart that I was afraid too. We both have so much growing to do, so many things to learn about life and loving. The joy in my heart came not because I knew we had an easy road ahead of us, but because I know I get to share whatever comes with him.

And yet, despite--or because of it all--it was the proposal I'd always wanted. Though  I didn't know how important the lock-and-key- symbol was to The Boyfriend, he got to propose by involving a lock and key. And though he had no idea how important that bridge was to me, I got to get engaged there. We got to be real people, with joys and fears. But most of all, we got to get engaged.




And that is my news. The Boyfriend is no more. Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce...
The Fiancee.



 The Fiancee's afterword: After approving this post, the Fiancee wishes to clarify that he didn't come to WfB with the intention of proposing in that spot. Nor did he know when he gave me the key how he would use it in the end. He bought the ring with to Europe, thinking perhaps Paris would make a good place to propose. Over the months he has thought about various possibilities, none of which felt right. Then, he read in a tourist guide there were love locks in Paris, and if that failed, there was always the Eiffel tower. But, for various reasons, the timing in Paris was never right and it did not work out. He resigned to wait until I made it to Toronto in August. When he saw the love locks on my scavenger hunt list, he took it as a divine sign that he was meant to propose there. In the end, it was the perfect proposal--for both of us. We are thankful for each other, and to God for bringing us together--from Toronto to Germany and Cincinnati and Wisconsin. It has been an amazing journey so far, and Lord willing, it's only just begun.












28 April 2013

poems of pebbles

I have been doing a lot of dissertation writing, which means I have less energy to write blog posts. But I have managed to churn out some poems to collect some wisps of impressions I've had lately. I've been thinking a lot about stones lately, I don't know why. It's springtime--I should be noticing the birds and butterflies and greenery here. Instead I keep noticing the stones. How about that.

A blessed Orthodox Palm Sunday and Holy Week!

COBBLESTONES 
cobbled stones, broken stones
hewn from some distant place, I'm told
by slave children in a foreign land
dashed against one another
into fragments
then carved into cubes
to cover their mishapen shame
sewn together in a tapestry
of granite, grouted ground.
Thus out of the brokenness
is made something whole:
a street
a walkway
a path
upon which one is apt to stumble
when hasty steps catch
the edge of a wayward cobble
For it seems even wholeness, once achieved
must bear
the scars of former brokenness
within itself
within the spaces
where grouting has been washed away.

WRITING IN MARBLE
  Sometimes writing is like weaving
with all imaginable colors
and all that is needed
is a bit of patience and a loom
and the words come, the pattern emerges
a vibrant image that covers over
the backside of one's imperfect thoughts.

Other times writing is like painting
the picture in one's mind
is gradually crafted to the canvas
with colors so warm and soft
they mix smoothly on the palette of ideas
and after all the days, all the layering
of paint and perspective, darkness and light
broad brushstrokes and fine
it all comes together
a masterpiece.

But other days writing is
the harder task
that of taming
a towering slab of marble
into something of beauty
of trying to find something alive
amid the heavy stiffness of a disinterred boulder
of taking a chisel to one's thoughts
that have grown hard as stone
there are no guides here, as on the weaving loom
the templates of the canvas have fallen away
there is only a boulder
a chisel
and a hopeful seeing
past the seen.

TOMBSTONES
How ironic it is
the graves of the dead
we crown with stone.
For stones, though dead,
despite their cold durity
endure forever.
And we, though supple
with the warm breath of life
must see decay.
And so it is that
to be living
means to be impermanent
And to be dead is
to persist.
Still
I would rather have breath
but for one moment
than the permanence
of none.

ROSES, BARELY BLOOMING
There is a spectacular place
not far from here
where one can behold
a bush of roses
as they begin their late winter ascent
stretching up
not from the soil of a garden
but from the patchwork quilt
of cobblestones
and frozen earth.
And in their clinging climb
up the nearby wall
the roses, barely blooming,
yet afflict passersby
with the whispering warmth of joy.
For beneath the rocks all around
lay a world, so filled with life
that when the seams of separation
it escapes in wisps
plunging up through the decrepit
into the staleness
of our own. 

 




14 April 2013

A Year in the Life of


Today marks the one-year anniversary of when I came to Wolfenbüttel. It is the first time since I arrived here that I have any indication time has not stood still and swallowed me into its endless abyss. I have not posted anything, due to a trip to Prague, a riling genealogical adventure, not to mention the fact  that I’ve actually been working on my dissertation lately. So I thought this would be a perfect chance to share a few of my favorite memories of this last year that have somehow slipped through the cracks of my blog posts. Enjoy!

I have not posted anything, due to a trip to Prague, a riling genealogical adventure, not to mention the fact  that I’ve actually been working on my dissertation lately.


A Forbidden Rendezvous.
Late last spring, I was walking through one of the numerous scenic parks just a few cobblestoned corners away from my apartment. Though I cannot now recall the reason, I was deeply involved in some taxing thought or other which seemed of vital significance. A further impetus to my vexation presented itself upon entering the commons area of the park. Instead of the calm stillness I had hoped to encounter, I found rather the entire scenery fully abuzz with all manner of raucous ducks, chattering people and their overly-curious pets and children.
After walking ponderously about the large pond for no less than twenty five minutes, vainly attempting to center my thoughts on whatever vexing matter had been at hand, I spied just ahead a class of pre-schoolers and their chaperones, using their playtime for a park-related lesson. That it was some sort of organized gathering as opposed to happenstance was evident, for the children were partnered off and in a linear formation which, though not straight enough to satisfy their chaperones, was nonetheless far straighter than children of that young age would care to achieve when left to their own devices. Furthermore, their chaperones’ bellicose war cries  could be heard throughout the vicinity, instructing one child or another to keep his hands to himself, not to touch this or that, and to please stop dilly-dallying about (causing one to wonder what on earth the purpose of taking children to a park is, if not to touch things and dilly-dally about?)  Recognizing the entire caravan to be aimed in my direction, I braced myself for this further disruption to my thought life.
            But then one of the most curious things happened I have ever witnessed.
            In the moist plane of grass beside me, an unusually large family of ducks waddled up from the pond’s murky shore.  Due to my fondness for the whimsical ways of ducks, which is keen enough to pierce even my most ardent efforts to remain deep in contemplative thought, I studied this specimen, noting its mother-to-duckling ratio was quite unlike that of the average duck family—five, ten, no twelve baby ducks, all chirping  their barely audible little quacks and shaking droplets of water off their not-yet-feathery fuzz. Following closely on their heels (that is to say, paddles) waddled a stately mother duck, absolutely quacking her head off at the ducklings to get their butts (that is to say, hind fuzz) back into the water this instant. But the troop of ducklings appeared to be on a passionate mission, consisting of what I couldn’t ascertain immediately.
            Until I made out the trajectory of their intended path. It seemed the hoard of chirping little ducks was heading right for… the children.
            And the children, who in the duration of my own observation of these ducks, had also caught sight of them, hastened towards the ducklings in curiosity.
            The two regiments met in the middle of the path, just in front of a great willow tree, the one set of tiny eyes studying the other. The mother duck, her stateliness greatly impeding her ability to travel as quickly as her offspring, continued her quacketuous tirade. Simultaneously, the human chaperones began running up to the children from a distance, forbidding them to interfere with the ducklings, touch them, or have anything to do with anything except continue to walk on obediently.
            The ducklings and the children, however, remained equally oblivious to the commands of their officers and only continued to study one another with a joyful sense of awe. Wisely perceiving their time together would be limited, the ducks quickly opted to send an intermediary. After a quiet rumble of quacks, a member of their company was pushed forward towards the children by a number of decisive bills. Demonstrating a gentle courage, a small boy likewise stepped forward from the mass of cooing children and knelt down towards the small duck. They eyed one another, apparently deciding whether the other was to be trusted.  And, having considered the matter, the boy reached his hand down to the ground slowly while the duck waddled circumspectly towards it. In this quiet, magical moment, I noticed that the ducks black-colored bill was no larger than the boy’s smallest fingernail.
            But just before the duck climbed into his soft, gentle fingers, the mother duck flew into the midst of it all, and a chaperone angrily ripped the boy up from his perch on the walking path. The chaperones herded their charges further down the walking path. Mother duck quacked her fuzzy little lumps back into the pond. Protests and wistful glances could be observed from both groups.
            But alas, the forbidden rendezvous had been thwarted.

...my fondness for the whimsical ways of ducks...


When History Repeats Itself.
At one point a number of months ago, I was forced to notate a 17th-century sermon that had been published to comfort the laity during times of bad weather—i.e. unseasonable rains and floods. So it was that one morning, I found myself immersed in a sermon whose writer continuously described how grieved he was that nature appeared to be so mixed up.
            “The light of the sun is dimmer now than it used to be in ages past,” he wrote. “It hangs lower in the sky, its warmth can no longer be felt as it once was. There is no more spring, no more summer. The whole order of nature has been reversed. Thus it is that we are surrounded by cold rains that will not cease. Just as Noah was in the flood which eradicated humans from the earth.”
            Luckily, there was a light at the end of this writer’s tunnel. The rains would not continue forever, he wrote, and neither would the cold. Thank God, I thought, anticipating a flourishingly uplifting finish to the sermon. The writer continued.
“The flood in the days of Noah eventually gave way to sunshine, and God will soon save us from the dimness and raininess that surrounds us—with the apocalypse.”
           
At that very moment, a burst of lightning disrupted my concentration, and for a moment I wondered whether it was one of the four horsemen. I decided I needed a break.
            Ten minutes later, I quietly sipped my coffee by the library’s kitchen window. Though the middle of summer, I was wearing long pants and had wrapped my shawl around me to seal in the coffee’s warmth. From the window I watched, as I do most days in this rainy breakfast nook of the world, as the playful drops of water bounced upon the eves of the roof.
            Until I overheard two German ladies’ conversation from across the room.
            “I don’t remember the last time we had a warm summer,” One lady said to the other sadly.
            “I know,” the other agreed. “I try to tell my children that summer is supposed to be a warm season, but they don’t understand. They’ve never known any summer but rain and cold.”
            “Yes, and I fear it will never end,” the first lady murmured in response to this.
            “No, I doubt it ever will,” the second sighed, and then upon further thought added “Well, we know that one day it will.”
            And they both nodded knowingly to one another. It was the German nod of certain doom.
            At that moment, a burst of thunder shook my coffee cup. I decided I needed a break from this depressing chatter and head back to the reading room.
            “Come, Robin,” I mumbled. “To the bat cave.”
            For the only more certain harbinger of bad things for the Germans than raining water, I thought, would be raining bat doo-doo. 
...nature seems to be so mixed up...


How many Germans does it take?
Another morning, I was the first non-employee to arrive at work and found that the Germans were capitalizing upon the phenomenon of an empty library to attend to some long-standing maintenance projects.  To escape the oppressive cacophony of tightening screws, oiling squeaks, and rearranging furniture, I fled to the furthest corner of the top floor, whereupon my efforts were rewarded with silent bliss—for all of five minutes. I soon found my quiet corner corrupted by the presence of two Germans: one was the notoriously finicky older woman whom I had already silently christened Queen of the Kitchen (which sounds even more mellifluous in German: Königin der Küche), and the second was a maintenance man of the painstakingly hardworking variety. The latter was holding under one arm a box of lightbulbs and in the other a step stool and tool box. Queen of the Kitchen was carrying a large box of cleaning supplies. It was a box I knew well, thanks to previous debacles I had already been innocent witness of in the library’s kitchen.
            First, the pair entered a door marked “employees only,” whence emanated for five or ten minutes a long stream of suspicious noises and frivolous commentary (mostly from Queen of the Kitchen, not surprisingly). All of these developments lead me to conclude they were committing an indecent(ly irritating) act behind closed doors. That is to say, the Germans were attempting to change the lightbulbs.
            After far more time had passed than it would take the average person where I come from to change a lightbulb, the pair reemerged looking haggard and exhausted from their luminescent endeavor. Contrary to my own expectations, not to mention the voice of obvious logic, the Germans did not move their mission of illumination to the nearby hallway, several of whose light fixtures had long lain fallow, gradually transforming the corridor to more of a lair-like space. No, instead, in a rare move, the Germans sidestepped all reason of impersonal logic and efficiency and progressed instead to a lone desk lamp. Namely, the desk lamp directly above the books I was reading. For reasons that baffle me as much today as the many months ago when I witnessed the event firsthand, the lightbulb in this same desk lamp was currently functioning properly—as evidenced by the fact I was, indeed, using it upon their encroachment.
            To make an irritatingly long story somewhat shorter, and only somewhat less irritating, the answer to the age old question is as follows:

I do not know how many Germans it takes to change a dead lightbulb. But as for a living, functioning lightbulb that has no need of being changed, it seems to take numerous Germans. As well as a clipboard. And a great variety of dusting and cleaning accoutrements.

German #1 to use twenty minutes, and nearly every tool in his chest, removing the (live) lightbulb from its lamp. German #2 to provide a running commentary chock full of useless advice and unsolicited criticisms on German #1’s inferior light-bulb-removal technique, a commentary that only crescendos once the lightbulb German #1 replaces the lamp with ends up not working, causing both German #1 and German #2 to vociferate amongst one another their endlessly inane hypotheses as to why the lightbulb is not working, which procures the attentions of other Germans, who have evidently been hankering for a reason to loiter about and extrapolate as to the possible strategies that could succeed in resurrecting the dead light bulb, which results in a general agreement among the whole group that a planning session be held in the near future regarding the rising problem of dead light-bulbs in the library, a discussion which (considering the Germans’ penachant for the planning of planning meetings) would have lasted until the end of time had not one German interrupted by insisting on flicking the dead lamp on-and-off, on-and-off for a total of five minutes before satisfying himself that the bulb was indeed dead and he should call the powers that be on his cell phone to notify them of the problem, who must have told him to write something down in his clipboard for the purpose of proper record-keeping and then…

At this point in my tirade, I feel obligated to mention that, as many Germans as it takes to change a(n already functioning) light-bulb, it only takes one American to politely inform the whole lot of them that changing a light-bulb involves replacing a dead bulb with a new one—not the other way around.

And when their task was finally accomplished, when the lamp was finally reunited with the original functioning light bulb, a general sound of jubilee broke forth from the crowd and it was proclaimed that, since the cover was off the lamp, they could at least finish up by cleaning and dusting it, if I would be so kind as to move my books for the purpose.

Since this day, I have been plagued by paralyzing fears that, one day, a German may ask me to go to a bier garten. Or, even worse, a German may knock on the door. Or I may come across some poultry in the middle of the street. These thoughts cross my mind, and I experience nothing short of a panic-filled terror. Because if learning how many Germans it took to change a lightbulb were that bad, there’s no way I want to find out what a German says when he walks into a bar. Nor do I want to know “who’s there?” And never, ever do I want to find out why that Hänchen is crossing the road. Not that I have much to fear. Germans rarely tell jokes, and when they do, they are not very funny.